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<title>It's in just saying it... by MellyCrazyCoconut</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29010573">It's in just saying it...</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MellyCrazyCoconut/pseuds/MellyCrazyCoconut'>MellyCrazyCoconut</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Dean loves Cas back, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Shapeshifting, You can't change my mind, grief counseling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:33:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>829</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29010573</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MellyCrazyCoconut/pseuds/MellyCrazyCoconut</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean visits an old "friend" to help him deal with Cas' death and the things he left unsaid.<br/>Sadnes... so much sadness...</p><p>This is my headcanon... for me this is why Dean is ok with letting Cas go in the finale.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>It's in just saying it...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There is no use in praying. The Empty keeps its occupants in deep slumber. Completely unreachable. All the things he wants so desperately to tell Cas... He can’t. And it haunts him. </p><p>So, he improvises. </p><p>Dean arrives at her house late at night. Doesn't matter, she’s expecting him. Keeping track of the monsters you let go is finally paying off, it seems. He rings the doorbell... excitement and dread fighting for dominance inside him.  </p><p>“Good evening, Dean.” </p><p>She looks the same as she did 3 years ago. He can’t help but wonder who’s face he’s actually looking at... </p><p>“Nothing good about it.” he says gruffly, pushing past her. </p><p>She seems unfazed and follows him. </p><p> “Let’s change that, shall we?” </p><p> </p><p>********* </p><p> </p><p>He shows her the picture of Cas with the cowboy hat. Not that he has many to choose from. Taking pictures... not exactly a thing you do when you’re busy saving the world. Again. </p><p>She leaves for a moment, giving Dean the time to start questioning himself, off course... What the fuck is he doing here? Relying on a shape shifter of all things and for what? For an illusion...  </p><p>*Fuck this, I'm out of here!* </p><p>He gets back up again and opens the door, but then... </p><p>“Hello Dean.” </p><p>He finds himself gasping for air, tears welling up in his eyes. He can’t move. </p><p>“Will you not look at me, Dean?” </p><p>He squeezes his eyes shut. *itsnotrealitsnotrealitsnotreal!*  </p><p>A hand lands on Dean's arm. He lets out a sob.  </p><p>*time to face the music Winchester...you came here for a reason* </p><p>He opens his eyes and slowly turns around. </p><p>And there he is... God, how he’s missed those blue eyes! Dean can’t help himself, he steps forward and envelops Cas in a tight embrace. Hands in his hair, face buried in his neck... the works. </p><p>When they part, Deans eyes are red. Cas takes his hand and leads him back to the couch. </p><p>“I’ve missed you, man. It’s only been a week, but is seems like a year already. We did it. We defeated God himself! Or, ya know, Jack did... He left...after. Went off, god knows where, getting his divine groove on I guess... Wish he would have stayed though. He was the last part of you... of us... I had left.” </p><p>He’s openly crying now, letting the tears flow freely. He doesn’t care who sees anymore... </p><p>“Cas, I’m so sorry... I'm sorry I let you get taken by the Empty. I'm sorry I didn’t do more to protect you, I’m... look... the one thing I regret most is not seeing your pain. The thought that you were never really happy... that just kills me. Especially knowing what I know now...” </p><p>Dean gets of the couch and kneels between Cas’ legs. He takes his face between his hands and touches their foreheads together. </p><p>“What you told me about how you see me, how I’ve changed you... it gave me the strength I needed to face God, to fight our final fight for freedom. Thank you for that. And for the other thing too... hearing you say you loved me, was the best moment of my life. I never thought... I never believed that you, an angel of the lord, could love someone like me. I have so many scars, Cas. So many issues to work through... and you loved me in spite of them. Maybe even because of them. You were the best thing in my life and I’m so sorry I couldn’t tell you... So sorry you had to die without ever being told by anyone just how loved you are. I love you, Cas. I have loved you for so long and I always thought myself unworthy. If I think about the time we wasted, I... I can’t LET myself think about that. I’m sorry I couldn't say it back, I’m sorry I was weak, I’m sorry, I’m sorry...I love you and I’m so sorry...” </p><p>He’s falling to pieces, head laying in Cas’ lap, continually muttering the same words. Cas keeps petting his hair, comforting him without words.  </p><p>After a while, he calms down and they both get up. Cas’ eyes fix on his, staring straight into his soul. He’s not ready to let him go... But then again, he probably never will be. </p><p>“Goodbye Cas” </p><p>“Goodbye Dean” </p><p>Dean turns away and runs out the door.  </p><p> </p><p>********* </p><p> </p><p>He’s been driving for a while, when he suddenly finds himself smiling. No matter what happens next, at least he had this. At least he got to speak his truth. And turns out Cas was right... happiness IS in just saying it. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>(You didn’t think I’d leave without a happy ending did you?) </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When Dean sees Cas again in Heaven, he’s ready to say everything all over again. For real this time. </p><p>He doesn’t need to. </p><p>Cas steps right into his personal space and kisses the hell out of him. </p><p>“You don’t need to say it. I heard you, Dean”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm sorry... but I had to... *sends you all kleenex*</p></blockquote></div></div>
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